Grey's River

I'm going to make my blog private so I can share more of my private feelings and more a journal of sorts.

This last couple months I had applied for the Secretary job at my children's elementary school.  I heard of the position before it opened up and was really excited about it.  This job would be perfect for my family and I.  It's close to our home and I would be with my two younger children.  I know the teachers there well and have substituted for many of them as well as the former secretary.  I felt like I would be a great fit for this job.  I also know many of the parents and thought I could help the transition of a new principal and secretary flow easier.

Many parents who had heard I had applied were also expressing to me that they hoped I would get the job and said I would do a good job.  Unfortunately for them and myself, I bombed the interview.  I couldn't seem to express an intelligent thought or complete an educated response to any of their answers.  I felt like an idiot leaving the interview.  I was hoping that it was just my imagination ....

The principal told me he would contact me in a couple of days, and knowing we were leaving to go camping and would be out of cell range, he said he would leave a message if I didn't answer.  Wouldn't you know it ... he called just as we went into the grocery store that had very spotty service and I missed the call.  When we got out to the pickup I listened to the message with anticipation and hope to find my fears were real and I didn't get the job.

I know this may sound silly to some, but I have never felt such heartache as this. (Well, since my parents divorce)  I was really hoping for this.  I needed this for myself and I really do not know how I will get over the heartache.  I realize I am being selfish.  I am having faith and hope that Heavenly Father will bless me.  I hope that where this door has been closed that a window will be opened.

This weekend we went camping to one of my favorite places, Grey's River - in Wyoming.  I had a lot of fun with Gary and our kids.  Barry's family came one day also.  We were there for two and a half days.  I enjoyed the beauty of nature and just being with and building relationships with my family.  I know that we are getting too busy and not spending a lot of time with each other.  I also know that we aren't having family prayer, family home evening, and regular scripture study together.  I'm also mourning the loss of my children's childhoods.  They aren't all grown up but they will be before I know it.  I do not like how fast time flies.  I do not like how I can't fit in everything that I want to do.  I do not like how I do not have the energy to do everything I want to do.  I'm tired of feeling like I'm always "a day late, and a dollar short".  I'm also tired of not feeling like anyone knows or understands exactly what I mean.  I realize that many people have had similar feelings and experiences, but I just don't think anyone understands.

I know, you are all saying that our Savior understands completely because he suffered for all of us.  I know this to be true, so don't take what I've said lightly.  However, having the faith to completely feel and understand that has been extremely difficult for me right now and it just makes me sad all over again.